


Thrash Unreal

by neversaydie



Series: cock it and pull it [31]
Category: King Falls AM (Podcast)
Genre: Asexual Character, Drunken Kissing, Drunkenness, Emily's mom's homemade wine, F/M, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Post-Canon, Useless Gays, ben is a lightweight, college days, grey-ace sammy, sammy was a sweaty boy, touch starved sammy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-29 16:16:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14476443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neversaydie/pseuds/neversaydie
Summary: "God, they were useless."Lily practically has her head on the kitchen table at this point, groaning into her sleeve as Emily sympathetically pours her another glass of wine.Sammy has long given up trying to defend himself against the exposure of his awkward youth, although he finds it hilarious that Jack is still trying to protest that they weren't that bad in college. They'd been pretty oblivious for a while, sure, but Lily might be exaggerating just how much.Might.[in which the gang get drunk and Lily exposes just what useless gays Jack and Sammy really were back in the day.]





	Thrash Unreal

"God, they were useless."

Lily practically has her head on the kitchen table at this point, groaning into her sleeve as Emily sympathetically pours her another glass of wine. Ben has been cut off for the past hour and is still weaving drunkenly in his seat, giggling gleefully when he gets drawn into another phase of Lily's epic roasting session.

What was supposed to be a quiet night in at Emily's has turned into a bit of a mess… but a welcome one. It's been a long time since the Wright siblings spent this much time at the same table.

Sammy has long given up trying to defend himself against the exposure of his awkward youth, although he finds it hilarious that Jack is still trying to protest that they weren't _that_ bad in college. They'd been pretty oblivious for a while, sure, but Lily might be exaggerating just how much.

Might.

"I shared an apartment with them for three years. The place was a cloud of sweat and sexual tension," she raises her head and smirks at Sammy, who narrows his eyes suspiciously. "You still use Axe?"

"Axe?" Emily snorts, which makes Ben squint at her in confusion (because he definitely doesn't use that terrible teenage stuff anymore… not at all).

"He was a… nervous sweater," Lily is _loving_ this, and Sammy has to admit he's missed the vicious glint in her eye. He'd like it better if it wasn't aimed at him, but still. Baby steps. "Which he failed to hide with bad body spray and just the _longest_ showers. Our water bill went up twenty percent when Jack set up a pull-up bar in the living room."

"Look… I'll give you that one," Sammy sighs, scrubbing a hand over his stubble as Jack bites his lip and tries not to laugh. The summer he spent trying to save on gym membership by working out at home had been… a difficult time for Sammy. "In my defence, I was-"

"Oh god, was that why you always muttered something about studying and shut yourself in your room?" Jack is _failing_ to not laugh, the bastard. "I thought I was annoying you!"

"I sprained my wrist that summer, Jack! It _was_ annoying!"

"Did… Was that a masturbation joke?" Ben looks _delighted_ , and Sammy's just glad his tiny friend isn't sober enough to consider tweeting this.

"You see what I had to deal with?" Lily breaks into the conversation again, gesturing exasperatedly at the pair of them. She's addressing Emily like she's the only other reasonable person in the room… which may be true. "They were just… so thirsty. _So_ thirsty, and so oblivious. There was… _so_ much jerking off. I started practically yelling before I entered a room. I honestly considered wearing a fucking bell after the third time I almost walked in on-"

"I didn't even know he was into dudes!" Jack's lips are stained dark from the red wine - an apparently decent home-brew courtesy of Emily's mom - and Sammy wouldn't mind finding out how they taste right about now. "You can't roast me for trying not to hit on my straight friend."

"I can't believe you thought he was straight. You're the most useless of us all," Lily shakes her head, still despairing almost a decade later. "He went and took a guilt shower every time you wandered around with your shirt off… which was _always_ , by the way, because you have no shame."

"Dude, that's rough," Ben clumsily pats Sammy's shoulder in solidarity (Sammy's heard _extensive_ and _detailed_ stories about Ben's Hot Roommate from college, so he knows the pain), and he'd appreciate it more if Emily wasn't practically falling out of her chair laughing beside him.

"I dunno what you're judging, Arnold," Jack bristles, play-acting being defensive, and Sammy has to actively resist the urge to kiss him because he's really _back_ , stupid sense of humour and all. "You thought he was straight too."

"I didn't think he was straight!" Ben protests, over-enunciating in his intoxication. Emily's fond expression says she finds it adorable, which has Lily miming puke faces behind her back. "I didn't think he was anything! Just like, asexual."

"Well, that too," Sammy shrugs, which sets Ben off giggling again. Maybe finishing off the dregs of the tequila wasn't the best idea - there's not a whole lot of blood in that little body, and most of it seems to be comprised of alcohol at this point.

"Wait, you don't even _bone_ this guy?" Lily, tactful as ever, points somewhere slightly left of where Sammy's actually sitting. Even her iron constitution is starting to fall in the face of home-brewed 'merlot'. "I knew you were useless, but-"

"Asexuals can bone!" Ben jumps in, pulling out his phone and immediately dropping it. Sammy lives in fear of him throwing it at his head again - it's accidentally flown across the studio more than once due to the sheer enthusiasm of Ben's gesturing. "There's a cool article on-"

"We are absolutely not talking about my current sex life," Sammy confiscates the phone - screen cracked and inexplicably sticky - when Ben finally fishes it out from under the table. The fact he only protests with an undignified, scandalised gasp says as much about his level of intoxication as anything else. "Especially not drunk. _Especially_ not with my sister in law."

"You're not married yet, bitch," Lily wags her finger at him and Sammy sticks his tongue out. Back in college he would have attempted to bite the offending digit off, but they're not quite there yet. "I swear Jack, if you're making this idiot a permanent part of my life and you're not even getting good dick out of it-"

"I get great dick, thank you," Jack cuts her off, delicately, and Sammy buries his face in his hands to hide his blush. Hopefully Ben won't remember most of this evening, because otherwise he's never living it down.

"There was so much of _that_ as well," Lily gestures to his suddenly red face with exaggerated disgust. "And I had to listen to my stupid brother ramble on and on about how _cute_ Sammy was and how _funny_ Sammy was and how-"

"You didn't make it better by setting him up on a date with Jenny Hofstadter!" It's instinct, at this point, to move Jack's glass out of the way so he doesn't end up showering them both with booze in his enthusiasm, and Sammy groans when he remembers the disastrous blind date… or at least some of it.

"I'd never been that drunk before."

"I was trying to prove a point! And all I got was you moping and two days of that idiot whining about his hangover. At least Jenny already knew it was supposed to be a train wreck," Lily shakes her head, but the fact she's stuck to calling him an idiot instead of something worse tells Sammy she's beginning to warm up to him again… slowly. Things between them had been rocky when Jack first returned, but they're starting to level out now.

"I mean, that wasn't _all_ we got out of it," Jack shoots Sammy a conspiratorial smirk, the expression fading somewhat when Sammy just looks back with confusion. "When you came home talking about not understanding women? You don't remember?"

"I was _really_ drunk," he smiles sheepishly, feeling suddenly conspicuous with the glass of soda resting against his palm. He can control himself now, limit himself to a couple of beers on the rare occasion he feels like it, but Sammy's very aware of what a mess he was for a lot of their time together.

"So you don't remember kissing me?" Jack isn't making fun of him anymore, because he knows some of how embarrassed Sammy feels about his past behaviour, but keeps the question light anyway. It's a fun night, there's no need to get bogged down in regrets. "You were in the kitchen stumbling around with the coordination of Bambi, so I came in to-"

The memory slams into Sammy all at once, dredged up and hazy from the blackout depths.

 

_"Sammy-"_

_"Nobody touches me, man. You're the only person that hugs me. I could make that better for-"_

_"I'm gonna keep hugging you no matter what. You don't have to sleep with me," Jack's hands are on his face, maybe, and he's close and warm._

_"What if I wanna?" It's slurred and defiant and he's only angrier when he sees what he reads as pity in his friend's eyes. "Fuck you, man. I know you don't want me."_

_"Let's get you to bed," Jack is still touching him, which is good, and pulling him out of his seat… which is less good. The room spins when he tries to stand, and he hangs onto Jack hard._

_And tries to kiss him again - sloppy and imprecise - getting mostly his friend's rough cheek and just the corner of his mouth. Jack turns his head into it, just for a second, but pulls back almost immediately._

_"Sammy, you're drunk."_

_"I don't care."_

_"Well I do," Jack is making him move now and, oh no, that's really bad, his stomach doesn't like that at all. "You need to drink some water and-"_

_Miraculously, Sammy makes it to the bathroom in time to throw up._

 

"Oh _god_ ," Sammy covers his eyes with his hand, trying to block out the sudden assault of extremely embarrassing images. "I tried to kiss you."

"Little bit," Jack is way too amused by this, now he's able to see for himself that Sammy isn't getting down about the memory. Sometimes tales of his exploits while blacked out inspire deep, painful shame… and at other times laughing at them doesn't feel like pressing on a bruise. This is one of the latter, thankfully.

"He _what_?!" Lily shrieks from the end of the table, having firmly passed her 'drunk and reasonable' stage and slid straight into 'shrill and pejorative'. Hopefully Emily will cut her off before she hits the 'let me show you how much I can lift Sammy get over here so I can pick you up' stage. "My plan _worked_?!"

"I mean, I had to spend the next hour holding his hair back so… not so much," Jack manages to contain his laughter as Sammy sinks down in his seat, trying to cringe his way out of existence, while Ben and Emily have no such qualms about cracking up. "It was, uh, not sexy."

"I can't believe I don't remember our first kiss," Sammy sighs deeply, because he's truly the world's worst fiance. At least Jack's stupid enough to like him.

"Hey, we established that being under the influence means it doesn't count if-" Emily tries to point out, cut off when Sammy suddenly straightens up as another thought occurs to him.

"We didn't get together for _two years_ after that!" He rounds on Jack, who doesn't even have the decency to look sheepish about it. "You didn't think about saying something?!"

"I thought you remembered and were just pretending it didn't happen! I was being helpful!"

"See?" Lily sighs and raises her glass of wine in a sarcastic, surprisingly affectionate toast. Sammy thinks they're going to be just fine, eventually. "They're still completely _fucking_ useless."


End file.
